Tuesday, May 1, 2012

ZSS Now Requires Subscription

Jackpot, NV - May 1st,2012
Zeke Corp announced today that it would start limiting their web content to subscribers. ZSS CEO Zeke Reno said "Look, I am not happy being the 3rd richest dude in Nevada. Plus I want a hovercraft/ This is America, buddy. Nothing is free."
Current Basic Print subscribers and ELEET level and ZekeFLASH members will be allowed full access to the made up news site, as well as the made up AP news stream.

For more details about subscriptions please contact our subscription Office at 1-800-HOVER-CRAFT.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Why Does the National GOP Hate Nevada? Part Dos

OK. I assume you've read yesterday's "background" of this issue. No? The go read it HERE first.

Here are some theories we've been kicking around down at the Bar:

  • All About Harry - Since the Early Caucus was Reid's idea, the GOP is avoiding the State and it's huge Swing State Prize in an attempt to crush Harry's dreams. GRADE: Possible
  • The GOP Are Dumb - Although many down here at ZSS Inc believe this, their is NO WAY the GOP thinktanker have not noticed the need for Obama to win NV to be reelected. GRADE: Not Likely.
  • Market Driven Grassroots - God knows the supply-sider conservatives think markets can do anything. But do they really think a successful Caucus and organized volunteer base will simply manifest itself magically, without SOME kind of planning? GRADE: Probable
  • We Hate Mormons - In Nevada, bet on the Mormon. Mitt Romney is gonna win here again. There is no doubt. Does the heavy Evangelical oriented RNC leadership want to downplay the enviable LDS-led outcome in Nevada? GRADE: Smells true
  • Viva Nevada! - Is it possible that the GOP ThinkTankers are simply looking down the road at an unwinnable Latino heavy Nevada, and preemptively writing off the Silver State usefulness? GRADE: Posssible
  • Slow Advisers At Play- Conservates don't like change. That is literally why they call themselves that. Is it possible that their base political orientation is disallowing them to move on a clear opportunity like building a groundswell on the cheap in a swing state? GRADE: Might be part of it.
  • Fear of Pronouncement Errors - Are the GOPers afraid of accidental mispronouncing "Nevada" and being ridiculed by pitchfork wielding locals? GRADE; No, This is The Joke at the End of the Post™.


    Thursday, October 27, 2011

    Why Does the National GOP Hate Nevada? Part Uno

    Been paying attention lately? If ya have, ya know what I'm talking about.

    A little background first.
    In 2006ish Democrats, led by Harry Reid made a move to make Nevada an "Early" Caucus state along with South Carolina, adding to the well established early voters' Iowa and New Hampshire. On the surface an Early voting designation allows a state to "Have a voice in who gets nominated" by "making the candidates aware of OUR issues" blah blah blah.
    That's what you have been fed. And it sounds great. Us Nevadans love hearing our name on national news stories. We love to feel special and unique just like everybody else.

    However, the REAL prize of an Early Voting status is: Candidates come here. They show up at parades and BBQs and Town Halls and everything else, in a courting process in hopes of winning over those Caucus voters. They energize the base, create passionate (unpaid) volunteers and set the stage for victory in November. And of the 4 early voting states, NV is the ONLY swing state. Obama won Nevada so easily in 2008 BECAUSE the Democrats pushed their Caucus so hard, and successfully mined the results of an army of supporters.

    Where was the GOP during this? Good question.

    And mores the point, where are they today? Other than the free pro-GOP bombardment from KOLO web page and the RGJ/AP feed, the GOP seems to be blowing off a huge opportunity to organize this cycle. And this seems to be ignored, if not encouraged by the RNC in the recent CaucusGate where the entire GOP Universe ganged up on NV and threated a boycotte while blaming us 'cause FLORIDA moved their Primary up against GOP rules.

    But why? Why does the GOP side with New Hampshire, a solid voting Democratic Stronghold instead of a freely swinging and until 2008 GOP stronghold Nevada? I understand why the GOP wouldn't want to say even one bad word about perennial swing state Florida (and lose at the least some serious campaign donors),

    Well, I have some theories. And for that, tune in tomorrow.

    Wednesday, October 19, 2011

    The NV GOP Drop the Caucus Ball. Into a Snakehole.

    We all expect the Nevada Republican Party to screw up. It is, after all, what they do best.

    But they are taking it to a whole new level this cycle. There is plenty of coverage over New Hampshire-Gate, but not much has been made about the whole Idiotic GOP Caucus plan. So here goes...

    For those of you unfamiliar with how a successful Caucus works, the idea pioneered by the Nevada Democratic Party in 2008 was: get as many people to turn out as possible, especially non-partisans. Register as many people on Caucus day as possible, especially non-partisans. Make the attendees socialize in a big, noisy hall and force them to literally "stand" for their candidate. A little disorder is OK in exchange for excitement and relevance on a national scale.

    The Nevada Republican Party has managed to set up a Caucus Program that will achieve NONE of those points. For example, if you want to be part of the NV Caucus, you will need to be a Republican for 30 IN ADVANCE of January 14th, and you better be prepared to prove it buddy! Stupid, paranoid decision.

    The NV GOP rules require a secret ballot: they again will be using voting machines. No Noise. No excitement. No "standing" for anything. Stupid, missing-the-point-of-a-Caucus plan.

    And best of all, by not coordinating with the National GOP and other states, the Nevada GOP has set itself up and given "poorer" GOP candidates a way to avoid the cost having to campaign in Nevada, while "sucking up" to vain, egocentric, New Hampshire voters.

    The lack of campaigning by potential GOP nominees in the run up to the Caucus will absolutely hurt the Republicans in November, in both a missed opportunity to build a base of volunteers, as well as missing the chance to dominate the local headlines with free newsprint with stories about visiting candidates.

    Ironically Nevada is the only one of the 4 Official "Early Primary" states that is also potential swing state in November. The prize of an early voting status, is to parley that status into a win on Election Day. The GOP botching the Caucus may cost them any chance at a Red Nevada in 2012.

    I used to think the NV GOP, and maybe the National GOP tried to downplay the 2008 Caucus on purpose to keep NV from being relevant that year. It was the DCCC's big plan to "Win the West" after all. Now I think the GOP are just horrible at what they do. Their "Market-based" election plan demonstrates exactly what can go wrong with markets: when left in the hands of idiots they tend to crash.

    Tuesday, October 18, 2011

    Is Zeke a Fossil?

    Seriously.

    I mean, who READS a partisan political blog in 2011? Liberal Loonies? Conservative Wingnuts? Both?

    Well, not me. Anymore that is.

    I think the partisan back and forth has effectively dulled us all into submission. It is just a droning noise now when blasting out of a radio or TV or Wall Street Journal, something that most people now just turn off.

    So is Zeke Says So a throwback to an old time? A Dinosaur tooth? An Australopithecus afarensis jawbone? A Dot Com stock certificate?

    Probably.

    But I do know this; bad things happen in the dark.

    And I have a big flashlight.
    Ahem.

    So yes, Zeke Says So IS a fossil, but like the Crocodile a LIVING fossil. And like a croc, I am still pissed off. And I have teeth.

    See you tomorrow.

    Thursday, July 21, 2011

    Zeke....Wake up!

    Who is it? Whadda ya want?

    Wake up, man!

    Who is it?

    It's me, Barkeep Karl. Get up man...we need you!

    Karl?

    Yeah, Karl. Come on Zeke...they sent me to get you...everything is falling apart...they need you down at the office.

    Oh Christ, they don't need me. Can't they get Myrna or somebody smart from HuffPost or something?

    No man. Nobody cares about Nevada anymore! That's why they want you down at the office.

    Seriously? OK...Get me some grapefruits and a sharp knife. And pull the car around. I'm on the case. Oh and Karl?

    Yes Zeke?

    Bring some scotch.

    Already got it.

    Monday, November 1, 2010

    Tuesday, October 19, 2010

    Palin Interviews Zeke

    As the black canvas hood was removed from my head, I heard her voice. It came from around a corner, slightly muffled.

    "Make him cry? You betcha!..." said the voice.
    I could also hear slot machine bells ringing in the distance, possibly above me. It was hard to tell. My head was swimming.


    I was in a darkened room. A bare light bulb hung above me. The glare hurt my eyes. I wasn't sure how I got here, but I knew I was in deep shit. My hands and feet were tied to a large metal chair. My head throb from chemicals injected earlier.

    Sarah Palin came around the corner, stopping when she saw me.

    "Well good morning Mr. Zeke! I'm so glad we have this time to talk" she said. Her riding crop snacked me on the side of my head, just in front of my ear. It hurt. A lot.

    "I'm going to talk for a little while, and then you're going to talk. The more talking, the less pain.” Said the former governor. She looked great. I was scared shitless.

    "Fuck you!" I spurted with one of my teeth flying out and bouncing across the floor. It was an incisor.

    "Mr. Zeke, that is no way to speak to your betters." Her riding crop flashed again, and I wince from the pain. "Now listen up, you socialist liberal Godless peacenik."

    I steeled myself for what would come next.

    "Your little blog has caused me much pain over the past two years. And that's to stop. Today. You saw how easy it was for us to grab you from your pathetic little bar, and we'll do it again." she paced back and forth, as she spoke. And she looked fabulous in her nifty red torture jacket.

    Then a blonde haired pudgy man stepped forward into the light, shadows draining across his face. He was wearing a vinyl smock over an expensive Brooks Brothers suit with a member of Congress lapel pin. It was him. This is bad.

    "Dr. Heller is going to insert a chip in your arm. This chip will stay in your arm forever. If you cover it up, or remove it we will kill you, Just like we're going to kill health care reform." said Palin cheerfully. Her face was so close to mine I could smell the baby seal meat and anchovies Po' boy on her breath.

    Dean "the Doctor" Heller pulled up my sleeve and started cutting into my bicep. The pain was exquisite. He giggled as he completed the surgery. It hurt almost as much as watching Jim Gibbons press conference.

    Palin stepped forward and hovered over top of me "We are watching you. We have people everywhere now. There will be no more "stories" about me, or any of our tea party Republicans. It's over. Do you understand?"

    "Bite me" I managed, and the riding crop came down on my nose and right eye. The world grew white for a second.

    "Your act is getting very old, Mr. Zeke. We are very serious people. A very serious mission. Fake journalist like you have no place in our New Tea Party World Order. We can keep this back-and-forth crap up all day, or I can to bring "The Enforcer" in here to talk to you.

    "NO! Not him!" My worst fear. Washoe DA Dick Gammick. The most evil man outside of West Africa.

    "Okay. Whatever you want..." I mumbled.

    "That's better. We can get along, can't we? Just listen to what Mama Grizzly says, and everything will be all right." Said Palin. She turned and disappeared into the darkness.

    After a couple more minutes, Heller finished cutting into my arm, and I felt a needle slide into my neck. A warm sensation passed through my head as I faded into unconsciousness. Just before passing out I heard "Don't tread on us, motherfucker."

    I awoke in the dark, our outsidtside in some bushes. I stumbled to my feet and looked to see the Atlantis Casino Hotel and Resort rising above me. I was lucky. I felt my arm, touching the bandages from the "surgery". This was bad.

    I'm on the run now. Looking over my shoulder. Taking new routes everywhere. Staying in the shadows. Don't contact me anymore, I'm a ghost; a phantom. Watch your back. They're everywhere; The Tea Party is Watching.
     
    It's a new morning in America. And I'm scared.

    ©2010 FauxNews

    Thursday, October 14, 2010

    Sarah Palin to Return to Reno for 2nd Interview with Zeke

    © FauxNews - October 14, 2010
    Lakes Crossing, Nevada - Recently published news articles have incorrectly reported that GOP guru and court-jester-maker Sarah Palin will return to Reno on Monday, October 18th to support senatorial candidate Sharron Angle.


    In reality, Palin will be returning to do a secret second interview with Zeke Says So publisher Zeke Reno.  In 2008, recently announced GOP presidential vice president candidate Sarah Palin sat down for an infamous interview with Zeke Says So, however neither party was happy with the results, although all charges were dropped later.

    "The 'Rally for Angle' is just an elaborate ruse", stated one anonymous campaign worker who noted "Even the craziest of us in the Republican Party don't think that lunatic Angle has a chance against Reid. Nevadans are pretty dumb, but not that dumb."

    During this new interview, to be held at the secret Republican bunker under the Atlantis Hotel and Casino, specific rules have been agreed upon by both parties for the protection of Palin's "time" and Zeke Reno's ribs, nose and teeth. Zeke will also be allowed to wear a bulletproof vest and hang a bottle of Holy Water around his neck.

    Thursday, October 7, 2010

    Angle Warns of Smurf Takeover

    © FauxNews

    October 7th, 2010 Me-Quit, Nevada - At a campaign stop today at the American Association of Paranoid Schizophrenics, candidate for US Senator of Nevada Sharron Angle made a bold proclamation that Smurfs were preparing to attack and take over the United States.

    No stranger to wedge politics, Angle has made a campaign of isolating minority or in this case, imaginary groups and claiming they were plotting to take over. Today she or her campaign surrogates have blamed the "state of our nation" on Muslims, Socialists, atheists, unions, gays, teachers, Mexicans and Californians.

     During her speech to the AAPS, Angle allegedly said "Papa is actually the Smurf term for "mullah". I have it on good authority that he plans to install Smurf law and require all men in America to wear stupid looking Smurf hats, and all of the females wear big white high heels. Worst of all, it's a known fact that Smurfs are communist and secular humanists tree huggers. You know, Satanists."

    Brigham Lasky, a spokesman for the Harry Reid campaign said "We are very happy that Sharron has decided to help our campaign by continuing to act like a lunatic."