Reno Airport Completely Safe Says Psychic Governor

© FauxNews December 31st, 2009
Reno, Nevada - In an amazing exhibition of psychic powers, Nevada Gov. Jim Gibbons astounded law enforcement and media yesterday by declaring "This airport is cleeeeeeean".

The Governor had taken an extensive nearly 20 minute tour of the baggage claim area of the recently remodeled Reno-Tahoe International Airport Wednesday before making the amazing statement. Sources close to the governor's office report "Psychic Jim" is amazing at finding lost keys, and picking California lottery numbers. "He truly has the Shining." said one office staffer.

The Amazing Gibbons then went on to explain through his use of a crystal ball, that both Barack Obama and Atty. Gen. Janet Napolitano were, in fact, responsible for the recent attack on a Northwest jet flying into Detroit. There were audible gasps from the assembled crowd upon Swami Gibbons pronouncement, considering he had no access to any intelligence beyond the Reno Gazette Journal. Which ain't saying much.

A wire service reporter with a stunned look on his face muttered "How can he be so wise? He sees everything. It makes perfect sense now. Of course it's the President and Attorney General's fault; how could they not know that the airport screeners in a Nigeria Airport would let this guy on the plane that eventually would wind up in the US?"

The Amazing Jim has opened up a palm reading side business in Carson City, where for a fee, he will also psychically predict what Democrats were responsible for past Bad Things. Cash and gold only.

Renaming ObamaCare

Obviously the GOP scarefloor technicians are going to need to do something about the term they created last summer;  "Obamacare".

See, the term was created so that if/when it failed to get through Congress the GOP pundits could blame the failure on the President. Kind of like they did with "Hillarycare". Remember how they were calling the health care bill Obama's "Waterloo"?

Well, it looks like the bill is actually going to pass. Whoops.

In next year's elections, the GOP and Democratic stronghold districts are not going to change. It's the swing districts, that are where the action will be. Within those swing districts, the liberal and conservative voters will pick their candidates, regardless of what happens between now and then. It's the moderates that will decide who gets to be in Congress on election day.

And since most moderate voters in this country still identify with Obama, it would be a bad idea to use a term that included his name, and something that succeeded.

So I predict that in the next couple weeks, Beck, Hannity and O'Reilly will start using a new term to describe the newly signed healthcare bill (and it won't be anything related to Obama).

Here are some possibilities:

• Deathcare (already being used)
• Harrycare (I kind of like this one. In fact Harrycare™. I own it now, suckers.)
• Aliencare (Bad idea for southwestern candidates)
• Pelosicare (too obvious)
• Democratcare / Demcare 
• Abortioncare (I saw a sign on one of the shows that said this. Yes really)
• Liberalcare ( The GOP has spent so much energy demonizing "liberal" seems like a no-brainer)

And of course, the GOP pundits will need to come up with another "Waterloo" for Obama to fail at so that they label his entire Presidency a failure.

The funniest part about all of this is that I doubt even 5% of Americans know what "Waterloo" refers to. Maybe Obama should do something about our crappy education system next. God knows I could use it.

Wild Horses as a Metaphor For Freedom?

I've had the displeasure of meeting a whole bunch of "wild horse advocates" lately, and I'm still scratching my head over what trauma they suffered in their life, to care so much about these animals.

First, I thought it might just be that girl/pony routine we all know and love. But that type of relationship doesn't explain the paranoia and hostility so often expressed by wild horse advocates.

In fact, it's more reminiscent of one of last summer's healthcare tea parties.

I understand advocacy. I think it's a great American tradition. And usually it's a great thing.

But over wild horses?

They're not even really wild. These creatures shouldn't be here: native North American horse type animals went extinct thousands of years ago. These "wild" animals, are basically the glorified lost pets of ranchers and miners.

The Bureau of Land Management is faced with the double pronged mission of protecting the land while maintaining costs. The "wild" horses are destroying the natural desert because a lack of predation guarantees overpopulation. The BLM is literally feeding these animals, at great taxpayer expense, to keep them alive so that they can continue to destroy the fragile desert ecosystem.

Why, do you ask?

Because every time they try to round up these animals, wild horse advocates start ranting and raving about how the Evil Government is out to get them. Well, technically the BLM is supposed to be doing that. As pretty as the horses are, they have no business being in the Northern Nevada desert. (Neither do cattle, but that's another story for another day)

I am starting to think that the irrational and emotional overreaction of the wild horse advocates, is really a parallel between the Tea Parties from last summer. The Tea Party Activists, who are really just loyal Republicans, acted very irrationally and overly emotionally not because of facts, but because they felt powerless against the Democrats. They used lots of catch phrases and talking points, but had a very difficult time explaining their position with facts  figures in the meetings, preferring to yell and scream.

Being an adult often means accepting the fact that sometime you are not going to get your way, and that sometimes certain problems have no "good" solution, only a "less worse" one. The real question is, will wild horse advocates prefer to have these animals starve to death in remote mountain canyons, or die from disease  from malnutrition this winter or next summer when the advocates are wake boarding up at Tahoe? I seriously wonder who has the horses best interest in mind.

And for the record, I do think ponies are cute, too.

"CSI Reno" to Premiere Tonight on CBS

I couldn't believe it either.

Why would a state need to have two CSI shows in it?

Well, first of all, Nevada is a very violent state. Oh sure, we have your basic garden-variety gang and drug related murders, but we also have some fantastic high-profile murders and also certainly lead the nation in serial killer captures.

I also heard once that Silver Springs (or maybe it was Sun Valley) leads the USA in the felons per capita. Considering how few Republican elected officials lived in those places, that's really impressive.

Oh yeah, and make sure you consider the fact that both the state government and local media try their best to minimize the reporting on violent crime in Nevada (lest we scare away all the tourists.)

I heard that the advertising consultant who jokingly suggested to the RSCVA that Reno cshould hange it's slogan to "America's Most Dangerous City", accidentally fell down a 300' mineshaft the following week.
Accidentally.

So having CSI:Reno seems logical. Instead of sexy beautiful people doing each other in,  imaginative and sexy ways(like in CSI: Las Vegas), CSI:Reno can focus on good old-fashioned murder: people beating each other to death with baseball bats, or shooting their divorce court judge.

You know, Red State style murder.

I can't wait for next years CSI:Elko. Get your sheep jokes ready.

Three Stooges. And Moe is Ours. Great.

Krolicki Sure Looked Relieved

Ever hang out with a criminal? Of course you have.
We all have. Especially if you hang out with me.

But I digress.

The other night Lieut. Gov. Brian "Dead Man Walking" Krolicki made a statement in front of a courthouse in Vegas, after some goofy judge dismissed felony charges against him for acting like a Wall Street banker with Nevada's Millennium Scholarship Program funds.

He didn't really look like a man who felt he had been unfairly indicted. He looked very sweaty. His body language was all wrong for an innocent man.

In fact, he looked more like an embezzler who got fired from his cushy job, but was not sent upstate for a 3 to 5 stretch at the Nevada men's Penitentiary and DaySpa.

So even if you think the whole prosecution was a political stunt to discredit the Lieutenant Governor in advance of the 2010 reelection bid, just take a good look at that video of him stammering about "how relieved he and his family are" about the charges being dropped.

If I was a cop, I probably just rearrested on general principles. Probable cause. Looking suspicious.

That's what I always get picked up for, you know.

Vietnam-astan

Holy crap!

There was a huge fight last night down at the Dive Bar. It was about The War.

It seems that Barack "Peace Prize" Obama has decided to attack this little country called Afghanistan. And nearly everyone in the joint was pissed off.

The peacenik liberals were mad that we didn't flat out withdrawal completely the day after inauguration.
And bloodthirsty conservatives were mad. For some reason. Not sure why. I guess they hate Obama whatever he does.

There was one poor bastard who stuck up for the President's new plan; and I think he was only holding out because he had a freaking Obama tattoo on his arm from last summer. And since he was out of work, it might be tough to pay to have it removed. Good Times.

I kept my mouth shut during the fight. I have an opinion, but I also just smart enough to know that I know nothing about foreign policy. Trying to second-guess the guy who knows more about the situation than anybody else would be kind of silly.

However, if this "Afghans surge" is being done simply to gather "security minded" conservatives votes in 2012, I am going to be pissed.

And I swear to God I will vote for Palin. I mean it.