New GOP iPhone Apps

Application designers have recently started creating new applications for the suddenly interwebs savvy Conservatives, who are trying to crawl their way out of the technological grave they've been laying in since 1960. Although, very few Republicans use iPhone, preferring the Blackberry, these new programs will soon be available on the Apple website.

Michael Steele Gaff Counter
Let's face it. The chair of the RNC makes so many idiotic comments, it's difficult for even Keith Olbermann to keep up. This sexy little app displays the totals by month, week, day and hour.

Large Wildlife Targeting System
Are you a busy Governor with no free time to track down moose or wolves to shoot from your airplane? This handy app pinpoints the critters on a GPS display so you can go straight from a press conference announcing your book deal to an evangelical book burning, and pick up a little "moose meat" for dinner on the way!

ObamArmageddon Mad Libs®
Everyone loves Mad Libs®! Add some good old-fashioned conservative paranoia, race baiting and conspiracy nut theories and you have a new game, that will be fun to indoctrinate your whole family with! "Obama is destroying America because he is a __ noun__."

Filibuster Record Countdown Clock
With Senate Republicans practicing and preparing for that inevitable first filibuster, someone needs to be able to announce exactly when the 24 hour and 18 minute record has been broken. You can be that person with this app.

MapQuest Slum Avoidance Router
With the huge explosion of poor Americans, this app gives you detailed directions from your 45th floor corner office to your 17 room mansion without having to see any of the misery that you've created by routing your car around the new Bushvilles that once were our suburbs.

Infrared Liberal Detector
Scared of being argued into a intellectual corner by a well informed Liberal? Use your iPhone's infrared scanner to measure the iris reaction of a potential conversation partner to phone announcing phrases like "Would you rather have Saddam back in power?". If the buzzer goes off, run for your Towncar.

Things More Regulated Than Derivatives

And yes. As we all look for someone to blame for the economic spindown, my outstretched finger points directly at Phil Gramm who in December of 2000, stuck a deregulation regulation in a massive omnibus bill and gave the derivatives industry the keys to the candy store.

Thanks buddy. God bless you.

But there are actually some things that are currently more regulated than the free-for-all environment of the incredibly complex, and incalculable debt swap commodities instruments.

Things Currently More Regulated Than Derivatives

1. Governor Jim Gibbons gun collection(thank God)
   
2. Baseball Players Use of Steroids
3. Rush Limbaugh's mouth (no cussing on the radio now!)
4. The Mexican-American border(yes really, Lou Dobbs)
   
5. Stem cell research
6. Amount of allergy medicine I can buy
7. Color of Your House in Spanish Springs

What is most remarkable about our subprime mortgage/derivatives disaster is that other than public scorn, nothing has been done to rein in the out-of-control industry. And that having been said, does anybody want to buy a Bundle of Blog Securities that some of the new blogs in Nevada remain active? Get them no other hot. And before the government shuts me down.

Zeke Released From Guantánamo Bay

© 2009 FauxNews March 26, 2009
Miami- Unnamed Obama administration officials have reluctantly admitting releasing notorious political pundit and blogger Zeke Reno from federal custody in Guantánamo Bay prison today. Zeke has been held in isolation cell B at the Caribbean prison since November 5, 2008 when he was arrested while dancing naked in front of the White House.

ACLU spokesman Bill Parnell said "Although we believe in a strict adherence to our Constitution and the rights of man, I can't believe they actually let that idiot Zeke be released. What a disaster for our country."

Unnamed Guantánamo guards reportedly held a three-day celebration upon hearing of the release of Zeke, noted loudmouth. "Having that idiot ranting and raving all day long was torture. And I think that's illegal; well it ought to be." said Corporal Rock Peters at a recent Gitmo Guard Union Local 283 meeting.
Zeke will be back and blogging tomorrow. FauxNews apologizes for this new development.

Zeke Rerun: Best of Sarah Palin

OK you Punks! Enough with the Emails! I will start writing again next week!

Jesus.

Here is some "Best Of" Posts to get you back in the Zeke mood.

The Best of Sista Sarah Palin