The Next 5 GOP Healthcare Bill Blocking Plans

Well, their first plan was to embrace the wacky but somehow lovable Tea Party gang, and send them into Congressional town halls to scare the Democratic Congress. That didn't work, in fact the Tea Party is becoming a liability for the GOP. Smile for the cameras, Harry!

Next, they tried scare tactics with the media to try to sway the public. That did work, once again showing that "you'll never go broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public". However, it didn't matter, the Obama factor overpowered the Congressional representatives through a variety of techniques, too numerous to mention here.

After the bill passed, the GOP threw down a couple emergency strategies to soften the blow of their incredible humiliating, depressing, embarrassing defeat at their self-created Waterloo. Republican governors and attorney generals have filed paperwork to claim that the federal government doesn't have jurisdiction over the states, and therefore the healthcare bill is unconstitutional. Since they're wrong, chances are this will fail as well.

So what's next?

Here are a couple of their future plans:

• Release tension at lesbian bondage strip bar
• Throw tantrum on kitchen floor
• Let air out tires of Air Force One
• Attack Fort Sumpter
• Read even less, and yell even louder
• Take ball and go home

Zeke Corp Earnings Statement

March 30, 2010

In preparation for the release of ZEKE SAYS SO corporation's first-quarter earnings statement, president and CEO Zeke Reno made the following remarks at the Incline Village Whites Only Rotary club this morning:

"Thank you, ladies and gentlemen... well I guess I mean gentleman. Don't see any skirts in here, ha ha!

Tomorrow ZSS Corp will release its performance numbers for the first quarter of 2010. Don't tell anyone, but things are looking pretty good. Our stock price is trading at about what was prior to the recession, we will be posting a dividend in the second quarter and with a lower cost structure of employees and materials we anticipate getting very rich. I mean richer, ha ha!

I said "don't tell anyone", and I meant it. First of all, if the media figures out that the stock market and large corporations are doing well, it would be politically good for Obama. Furthermore, if they figure out that the bank bailout and a stimulus package not only worked, but worked better than even thought possible, I suspect the "garden variety Democrat" will look smart as well.

You and I, fellow billionaires and captains of industry, know we can't have THAT.

Part of the conservative Republicans reputation is that we are good at business. Of course, we found out last year that completely unregulated markets are not a good thing, but we can never admit that. After all, it's been our battle cry since Reagan. So let's all keep that secret, okay? It would be a shame to have to order a hit on one of you by Blackwater Executive Security, ha ha!

So in closing, keep pretending that things are bad. It'll only be a couple more months till the employees that we didn't lay off last year have fully adjusted to their increased workloads, so we don't have to hire anyone back. And keep remembering to talk about your company's "green initiatives" at every event. Studies have shown that tricks liberals into thinking you care about anything but profits. Gullible bastards, ha ha!

See you on the golf course! Zeke out."

National Smugness Alert Level Near All-Time High

© FauxNews - March 22, 2010
Midland, Texas - Officials At the National Smugness Center reported this morning the highest recorded level of smugness by American citizens, and over a year. Director Bill Parsons said "the score is literally off the chart. We do need to recalibrate to see if that NSI (national smugness index) is higher than last January's election day. It's also crazy."

Parsons went on to explain that with the passing of the health care bill on March 21st, Democrats who had been reporting nearly 0% in Smugness, have risen nearly to 80%, while Republicans scores have dropped from 95% to 55%. Parsons explained "since there are statistically so few Republicans left in the United States, their drop of 40% and very little effect on the national average."

Reports have been coming in on both coasts that Smugness Sensors were so overloaded that they actually exploded, showering parts of the East Village in New York and Berkeley with burning debris. No reports of injuries to liberals have been reported so far.

Gibbons Accidentally Files To Run For Governor of Utah

© FauxNews - March 11, 2010
St. George, Utah - Nevada Gov. Jim "Bad Idea" Gibbons accidentally filed to run for governor of Utah earlier this morning in Provo. Gibbon's had been on a "official fact-finding mission" to the Full Moon Swingers Retreat And Conference Center, and apparently confused Provo for Carson City. Having discovered the mistake, the governor immediately flew back to Reno to file for his reelection bid to governor of Nevada. He will appear on Utah's ballot as well, but will be listed as "Mr. Happy Snake", the name he apparently wrote on the filing documents.

The governor's office stated that he had traveled to the Swingers Club and Conference Center alone, and did not have anyone else's wife traveling with him. They also made available nearly 20 hours of videotape recorded by the governor at the swingers club, to "reassure the voters" that the governor was not using government-sponsored trips for personal pleasure. Gibbons allegedly said yesterday "I want to be clear. My time at the Full Moon Swingers Retreat was purely for official government business. Sure, everybody was naked and all we did was play volleyball and drink Appletini's, but I was there as an official representative from Nevada. Want to watch a tape? There was this one chick with huge... nevermind. End of news conference."

The governor's office failed to address rumors that CMT had signed Gibbons for a reality show to start next year when he is no longer governor, having come in fourth in a three-person race. The show called "Screw You, Nevada!" is reportedly in pre-production, and follows Gibbons and his staff as they all look for lobbyist jobs after being voted out of office in November. The PBZ blog reported yesterday that Gibbons trip to Utah was actually a video shoot to provide material for promos for the reality show. Especially hot naked chicks.

The CMT network failed to respond to our calls, most likely because we called them at 430 in the morning.