Screaming Points Memo: What To Yell at Obama Tonight

So are you a frustrated tea party type conservative congressman, but lack any creative abilities? And tonight is the big night! With Pres. Obama addressing the nation, in a joint session of Congress it is your big chance to jump up onto the national stage and possibly garnish of future vice presidential bid.

But what to yell?

Here's some ideas for you:

• "You lie some more!"
• "Encore! I mean, you suck!"
• "Attica!"
• "Tea, anyone?"
• "Don't taze me, Brobama!"
• "Wildcats are number one! Oh yeah, and Obama sucks!"
• "Soylent Green is made of petrochemicals! And Obama sucks!"
• "You lie like a Kenyan rug!"
• "I lie! Whoops, I mean you lie!"
• "If the good gentleman from Chicago might grant me time, I would submit that his entire presentation is hearsay and unambiguous illusion. In my consideration into this important matter that affects all of the great citizens of these United States, I submit that Pres. Barack Hussein Obama from the great state of Illinois is suggesting a misleading discourse." (Senate only)
• "You're ugly and your mama dresses you funny." (African-Americans from the 70's only)
• "I'm secretly gay! I mean Obama sucks!" (Leslie Graham only)
• "I eat paste! And Obama sucks!" (Dean Heller only)
• "Obama is giraffe daffodil pineapple!" (Existentialists only)
• "Whoop der it is!" (Florida representatives only)
• "Zeke Says So!"

Potential Prison Nicknames for John Ensign

With the FBI currently interviewing associates of Sen. John "plead the fifth" Ensign, some speculation has been made as far as what cool prison nickname he might have when you get sent upstate for his alleged crimes.

Here are some thoughts:

• Johnny "Two-Timer" Ensign
• John "The Bull(shitter)" Ensign
• John "Nevada Gigolo" Ensign
• John "The Checkbook Don" Ensign
• John "Sings Like a Bird" Ensign
• Johnny "Vegas Jesus" Ensign
• J. "The Comb" Ensign
• John "Prisoner #26378594" Ensign
  

Cut Reid Bait

Look I know it's not his fault. Harry Reid is neither responsible for, nor should feel guilty about the ridiculous upset yesterday in America's worst state, Massachusetts. The results which featured the crime of a right wing unqualified wingnut, winning Ted Kennedy's former seat, are neither a referendum on Barack Obama or healthcare reform.

And you know it.

But so what?

Like every crime, somebody needs to pay. But who? The Democrats can't blame Coakley. She was just a piece of the puzzle in the race. No it needs to be somebody else. Somebody big.

Obama? Oh, let's not get carried away.

How about we blame somebody who's probably to going to lose anyway, and sacrificing them now which may help wash the stink off the hands of the Democrats after this election?

How about Harry Reid?

And look, I live in Nevada and damn well understood that having the Majority Leader from my state is very very good for us. I know that if he is replaced by a Republican, that guy's ranking as a rookie minority party senator, will be damn close to 100. But so what?

Reid is gonna lose, and you know it.

I say we cut bait now, remove him from Majority Leader position in the Senate, and blame the whole damn Massachusetts disaster on him.

You have my permission, Democratic Senators. GET BUSY!

A Few More Reasons Why Massachusetts Sucks

Tomorrow, the good people of Massachusetts will vote for their new US Senator. And the bad ones too.

I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that this is going to turn out badly for Democrats. Unfortunately, fivethirtyeight.com also feels this way, explaining that there is better than a 70% chance that the Republican Scott "I hate health care” Brown will beat Democrat Martha "dropping the ball" Coakley.

The good news (Ha!) Is that this will be good for Nevada. Why, you ask?

Because anything bad that happens in another state, makes Nevada look less crappy.

Here are couple of Other things Massachusetts has done over the years that sucked.

• Gov. Mitt Romney
• Barbara Walters
  
• Puritan work ethic and moral code.
• Salem Witch Trials
• The Cars
  
• Boston Red Sox (and the Yankees suck too)
• Boston Baked Beans (worst candy ever)
• Leonard Nimoy
  
• The political term "Tea Party"
• Doug Flutie
• "The Beer Summit"

See what I mean? Screw Texas; if they actually vote Republican tomorrow I say we throw Massachusetts out of the United States!

Who's with me?

Lowden and Character

The Las Vegas Review Journal article published today, it is revealed that candidate for Senate Sue Lowden is afraid to fly on airplanes.

First of all, what?

This is some kind of joke, right? Are you seriously telling me that an adult, one that wants to be in the upper chamber of the Senate of the most powerful country in the world, is afraid to get on a commercial airliner?

Over the years I've made fun of various news organizations and politicians, who tried to further their agendas by inducing fear into the population of our country.

It looks like it worked.

And worst of all, it worked on one of the most important Republicans in the state. Sue Lowden is probably the most qualified and least crazy Republican(which ain't saying much) running against current House Majority Leader Sen. Harry Reid.

Can you imagine the potential legislation and voting record of a US Senator who describes herself as a person who "looks over her shoulder" when on a plane, if she gets on one in the first place? can you imagine what the Patriot Act Part Two might look like with a coward like Lowden being involved?

Worst of all, is this: Fear is a good thing. It keeps us from doing bad stuff, and often saves us from dangerous situations.

But when a leader allows fear to unduly influence their behavior, they should not be a leader. Period.

We need leaders who are BRAVE. Our current Senator, Harry Reid went after the mob in Las Vegas when he was a prosecutor, and actually had his family station wagon wired with a bomb to explode. He did not stop prosecuting anybody. He did not back down. He did not hide under his bed in fear. He is brave.

If you ask me, Sue Lowden doesn't deserve to even be considered to be one of our leaders. The USA has acted irresponsibly in fear far too often over the past 10 years. We deserve better.

Gibbons Hates Sparks as Well as Reno

Well, I've said it many many times before; Gov. Jim "Mormon Recluse" Gibbons hates Reno. He never comes here. He never has Townhall meetings here. He doesn't attend parades or fundraisers, and he didn't even show up at my birthday party last year. Jackass.

But now, he's gone even further. Apparently Jim Gibbons hates Sparks Nevada as well.

In one of the biggest fundraisers of the year, one that every single sitting governor for the past 45 years has been involved, Gibbons decided to sit out. The "Sheep Dip" at The Nugget in Sparks, has been a nonpartisan staple of the cities social scene for nearly half a century.

And Gibbons, who freaking lives in Sparks, is too busy to attend this outstanding and important fundraiser. he couldn't even be bothered to send in a short video. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Okay all of you Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Greens and American Independent party voters let's all get together and hold hands and say together "Gov. Jim Gibbons, you are a dick".

A Fake Letter from Danny Tarkanian to Sen. Reid

Not Danny Tarkanian

January 13th, 2010

The Honorable Harry Reid
U.S. Senator
522 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510

Fax: 202-224-7327
775-883-1980
702-388-5030
775-686-5757

Dear Senator Reid,

As you are undoubtedly aware, the American people are clamoring for negotiations on health care reform to be fully open and transparent. By having these hearings in closed back rooms full of reefer smoke, you're screwing up the Republican Party's plan to stop them. And it makes me really mad. Do you know how tough it is to create an Evil Plan of obstruction, but only to be outsmarted by you? I hate you! Hate you hate you hate you hate you!

And even though the Senate has been working on the bill in public for nearly a year, our plan of pretending that it was being orchestrated in back rooms the entire time had been working pretty well.(on the Fox news crowd anyway) I mean, you must know how dumb the Republican base is, to forget that even they attended the public Townhall meetings all last summer, and taken up the battle cry that the healthcare debate has been anything less than transparent.

At this point in any letter, most peoples have stopped reading so I thought I'd throw this in; you know I'm not really a very good politician. My website sucks. Most of my donors are douche bags and have already been giving me a lists of things they want me to do when I'm in office. And the people I have to run against, Sue Lowden and Sharron Angle are mean and awful. I think Angle might actually clinically insane. Did you see what she did to the school kids up in Reno? Unbelievable. I know I don't belong in politics; I'm basically a sports star with name recognition. I'm not sure why I'm even running, and if a real candidate shows up I'll quit the race and be on the golf course before you can say Armenian-American three times.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Back to the bullshit.

Sen. Reid, in November, you said transparency would be "one of the guiding principles of health care reform." And although the other conservatives will pretend that allowing C-SPAN to broadcast the negotiations would be helpful in stimulating the debate, we really just need that footage for Glenn Beck to be able to spin his conspiracy theories over.

So even though I'm your campaign opponent and would be happy to kick you in the nuts if given the chance, I call upon you to open the committee hearings. Do it for Glenn. When I'm in office, I promise I will do everything that an inexperienced senatorial candidate running against me, asks me to do.




Sincerely,

Not Danny Tarkanian
Not Danny Tarkanian
Tarkanian for U.S. Senate


165 Hypocrite Avenue
Las Vegas, NV 89123

Colbert: Harry Reid's Racist Comment

Harry Reid's Racist Comment
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Economy

Poems of Merit: Defining Dumb

In the year 2010,

Nevada's got the chance once again,

to exchange their Senator Reid for a Con.

But with Tarkanian and Lowden the choice,

many Republicans raised their voice,

and screamed out "better first then the bottom".

As the November election neared,

educated people statewide feared,

is it possible that Nevadan will get bombed?

Not by Al Qaeda or others,

but by non-partisans and their brothers,

who will relegate our state to the doldrums?

-Zeke Reno

John Ensign Has Found Reno. #fail

With our internationally infamous Sen. John Ensign making an appearance this week at UNR's Jot Travis Student Union, he is doing something that no other prominent Republican has managed to do in Nevada since the creation of this blog nearly 2 years ago.

Hold a town hall meeting in Reno Nevada.

I know what you're saying, certainly Gov. Jim Gibbons, Lieut. Gov. Brian Krolicki or Congressman Dean Heller must've certainly held some kind of town hall meeting open to the public in the last two years, in Nevada's fourth-largest city and capital of northern Nevada?


But no. They haven't.

Even after I have taunted them to do.

And although God Hates Reno, I would expect our elected Republicans to show up here once in a while and face the music.

Unfortunately for Ensign, I fear his music is gonna sound like a circus carousel on crack.

Wait I can do better than that.

Unfortunately for Ensign, I fear his music is gonna sound like a garbage truck being dropped off the Empire State building.

Okay give me one more shot.

Unfortunately for Ensign, I fear his music is gonna sound like a Wagner-esque funeral dirge interspersed with the death wails of rabid coyotes on acid, and sung by a very drunk Tom Waits.

In other words, scary and bad.(or good if you like that kind of thing)

Politicizing Sports

While we're dividing up the country into red and blue everything, I thought it might be appropriate to classify our beloved spectator sports. Feel free to let me know if you think I forgot any. And no, drinking is not a sport.

Blue Sports (Democrat)

• Baseball
• Heavy Latino presence
• Nonviolent
• More Democratic (meeting on the mound)
• Manager wears a uniform like the players
• Balls are handed out to the crowd regularly
• Basketball
  
• 85% African-American participants
  
• Extremely lenient drug policies
• Pro Players make their own decisions (bottom-up leadership)
• Snowboarding
• Creativity is tantamount to success
  
• Drug testing nonexistent
• World's best come exclusively from California
• Invented in Vermont. 'Nuff said
• Bicycle Racing
• Success of team critical
• Non-fossil fuel wheeled sport
• Large French influence
• Sponsors include US Postal Service (socialized athletics!)
  
•  Soccer
• Large Latino participants/fan base
• 100% team oriented
• Cheaters are not tolerated and thrown out(Unlike Ensign, Vitter, Sanders etc)
  
• Drug testing nearly nonexistent
  

 Red Sports (Republican) 

• Football
• Although 70% African-American, you can't tell with the helmets
• Extremely violent
• Fascist in nature (one person makes all decisions) 
•  Nets are installed to prevent fans from getting the ball
• Hockey
• Sarah Palin successfully stole the sport from the Democrats by claiming to be a hockey mom
• Uber-violent 
• Glass barriers installed to prevent fans from getting pucks
• Close to zero minorities playing at pro level
• Only sport which employs a siren
• UFC Fighting
• Very bootstrapy. Completely individualistic.
• Most violent sport
• Most deregulated sport
• Most expensive sport to watch (Elitist)
• NASCAR/Motorsports
• Cheating is encouraged (weight reduction strategies)
• Wastes massive amounts of fossil fuels
• Extremely individualistic (Team victories unimportant)
• No foreigners (cars) allowed
• Nearly 100% Caucasian/Southern/unintelligible participant pool
• Poker Playing
• Lying is fundamental to success
• Existence is defined by money collected from other people
• Least physically active sport (If Rush Limbaugh could play it...) 
• Pro Bowling
• Utterly boring
• Completely individualistic
• 100% Caucasian participation
• Dying out, just like the GOP