March 30, 2010
In preparation for the release of ZEKE SAYS SO corporation's first-quarter earnings statement, president and CEO Zeke Reno made the following remarks at the Incline Village Whites Only Rotary club this morning:
"Thank you, ladies and gentlemen... well I guess I mean gentleman. Don't see any skirts in here, ha ha!
Tomorrow ZSS Corp will release its performance numbers for the first quarter of 2010. Don't tell anyone, but things are looking pretty good. Our stock price is trading at about what was prior to the recession, we will be posting a dividend in the second quarter and with a lower cost structure of employees and materials we anticipate getting very rich. I mean richer, ha ha!
I said "don't tell anyone", and I meant it. First of all, if the media figures out that the stock market and large corporations are doing well, it would be politically good for Obama. Furthermore, if they figure out that the bank bailout and a stimulus package not only worked, but worked better than even thought possible, I suspect the "garden variety Democrat" will look smart as well.
You and I, fellow billionaires and captains of industry, know we can't have THAT.
Part of the conservative Republicans reputation is that we are good at business. Of course, we found out last year that completely unregulated markets are not a good thing, but we can never admit that. After all, it's been our battle cry since Reagan. So let's all keep that secret, okay? It would be a shame to have to order a hit on one of you by Blackwater Executive Security, ha ha!
So in closing, keep pretending that things are bad. It'll only be a couple more months till the employees that we didn't lay off last year have fully adjusted to their increased workloads, so we don't have to hire anyone back. And keep remembering to talk about your company's "green initiatives" at every event. Studies have shown that tricks liberals into thinking you care about anything but profits. Gullible bastards, ha ha!
See you on the golf course! Zeke out."